“Mama… I’m lost… Please come and find me… Hurry… HURRY..!”
I had that dream again. The same one that I had for the past two years in which I was always lost no matter where I was; be it in a crowded subway station or just a empty street corner. A recurrent dream that I had for the past two years I had been living in Seoul with my boyfriend whom a share an apartment with.
“Hyun Joon…” I whispered as I watched the sleeping figure next to me. I sat up and got out of bed, running my fingers through my mass of bed hair. I walked out onto the rooftop, stood against the rail and breathed in the fresh air. The sky was a spread of grey and yellow, a sign that daylight was coming already. The morning wind blew against my face and I had a feeling that it was going to be a perfect morning.
“Hyun Joon..! Get up! You’ve got a whole morning of practices ad rehearsals, you know!” I shouted as I made breakfast and set out the tableware. I poured myself a glass of orange juice before setting out Hyun Joon’s breakfast of toast and scrambled eggs.
The apartment was split-leveled; the bedroom area was on the upper deck, the kitchen was on the lower level. The bathroom was to the right of the kitchen, the study adjoining the bathroom and the living room, or as we dubbed it as a lounge, was a huge space as one comes in through the front door. The dining area was just enough for the two of us; one table, two chairs.
I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and laughed lightly. He couldn’t get away from an American breakfast. Being a Korean, he had gotten used to the normal stuff he usually ate since he was a child. Lately, he had been taken in by the aroma of toasts, bacon, homemade cookies and buns as well as a great many other nutritious breakfasts. He sat at the table, his hair tied up in a ponytail. He looked extremely excited as he surveyed the feast in front of him.
“Morning, Jae Hee. Did you make all this? I’m getting used to eating more and more of it every day. Thanks, babe,” he said, planting me a kiss on my lips. I giggled under him.
“Eat it while it’s still hot. Then you can go take a shower and head on to the studio. You’ve got a few more scheduled practices.” I read the dance schedule that we stuck on the refrigerator as he ate. Awhile later, I saw Hyun Joon picking up my camera that I had left on the coffee table in the lounge area.
“You took some great shots last autumn. Maybe you could send them to a gallery owner to evaluate if it’s good enough for an exhibition.” He set it down again before heading towards the bathroom. I washed the plates and cups, set them on the drying rack and headed towards the lounge area, picked up my camera and sat down on one of the sofas. I pondered over Hyun Joon’s suggestion for a while. It has been a year since I last saw foster-brother. He was the person who gave me the camera. It was a really good camera, the same kind that professional photographers use when they’re out and about, taking pictures. I hugged it closely to my chest. Foster-brother had one too, a long, long time ago. He was the one who was always bringing me out to places all the time, just hanging around, snapping some pictures. I wish I could see him again. I also wish that I could talk to him again.
“Mama… Mama… Come find me… Please come find me… Mama…”
Mom, how many times had I dreamt of this, of you? I’ve always wondered how you and dad and Alex are doing. I hope that you’re all doing fine. I’m still here, living and breathing. I wish the same for all of you. I want to see you all again. But I’m afraid that I might leave you all shame-faced. Instead, I left you all back home and came here instead. Please forgive me. Please… Forgive me…
“Mom… I want to see you again,” I whispered before I drifted off to sleep once more.
I woke up with a start. Had I fallen asleep? I sat up on the sofa and turned to look at the analog clock on the wall. 1 pm? I must’ve fallen asleep after cleaning the house. I checked the laundry area on the roof. Ah, it’s all been put out and the weather was spectacular. I guess I will go out for some fun while the weather’s good.
Spring has been good to me. Flowers bloomed like there was no tomorrow. I loved the feel of spring. I took the chance to take some awesome shots of the flowers around me as well as the cheery atmosphere that surrounded me. You’ve been good to me, Korea. I wish I could stay a little longer.
I took a short cut to the studio that Hyun Joon held his dance rehearsals. If I could make it just in time, he might be on a lunch break. I hoped that I was in time to invite him out… But I was wrong.
I was heading round a corner street when I saw Hyun Joon alone with a woman. He seemed happy just chatting and having lunch with her. I stopped dead-tracked and watched from afar until they came out of a café, arm-in-arm. They looked good together. She must be an actress or singer since he associates with them the most. I felt my cell-phone vibrating and ringing in my bag, knocking me out of my thoughts. I rummaged through my stuff and answered the call by the fifth ring.
“Yuhbuhsaeyo?”
“Yuhbuhsaeyo, Jae Hee-sshi? Are you free or busy right now?” This voice sounded a little too familiar. Could it be one of Hyun Joon’s dancers? It was a guy’s voice.
“I’m a little too free at the moment. Is there anything that I can help you with?”
“Would you be so kind as to accompany me for awhile? There’s something that I must tell you.”
“May I ask for your name before agreeing to something like that?” This was getting more suspicious by the minute.
“I’m Tae Bin. I’m in Hyun Joon’s dance crew.” Ah, so it was him. He was always a nice guy. But why would he want me to accompany him for anyways?
“Alright, where should I meet you?”
I ended up meeting Tae Bin in a cozy café, which totally went against the better nature of my relationship with Hyun Joon. But, what the heck, he was having such a good time with that other woman, so why shouldn’t I have lunch with a dancer of his?
“So… Why did you ask me to come here to accompany you… guys..?” Tae Bin was not the only one there. There were a few more of Hyun Joon’s dancers. In the end, I ended up having lunch with ten guys from Hyun Joon’s dance crew.
“We were just wondering how you and Hyun Joon were doing these days. Since you’ve been with him for more than a year now already,” Tae Bin started first. The rest just sat around listening attentively.
“Well, we’ve been good so far. No conflicts whatsoever. Why? Is there something going on?” I watched their expressions, one after the other. Some fidgeted in their seats while some looked away or at the ground. Tae Bin was the only one who remained at eye-to-eye contact with me.
“Have you sensed anything different between you and hyung, at least, of late?”
“I don’t think so, not of late.” That was an absolute lie, and I knew it. What’s more, Tae Bin sensed my uneasiness. He heaved a sigh.
“I’m going to come clean with you. We’ve acknowledged you as hyung’s girlfriend and we really do respect you. But, don’t you think that he’s been acting a little strange all week, as if he was under a spell?” Tae Bin asked. The rest nodded their heads.
“Are you kidding me? He was never like that in front of me. He acts very normal whenever he’s around me. Why? What the hell’s going on?” I tried to control the anger in my voice but it got the better of me. The patrons of the café were looking at me as if I was in hysterics. Then it hit me. The truth hurts.
“He’s been seeing someone else lately. He went out with a woman just now. They were having lunch, I guess.” He scratched the back of his head, feeling restless. It hurts so badly that I tried to deny it.
“I know. I saw them. Maybe he is cheating on me, and maybe he’s not.” I do not like this conversation at all, not one bit, not with talks about Hyun Joon and another unknown woman - denial.
“He’s been seeing her for a few months already, Jae Hee. It’s been five months today.” WHAT!?
I sagged in my seat, clutching my chest. So hard to breathe! Five months!? I-impossible… It can’t be… I held my hand over my mouth, choking back a sob but my tears were flowing down my cheeks.
“Jae Hee…” Tae Bin called out to me. The rest surrounded me and gave me a hug each.
“He really is cheating on me, huh?” I mumbled to myself, repeating the words over and over again. I walked out of the café, staggering with every step. When I lost my balance, all I could do was cry on the sidewalk as Tae Bin and the others rushed out to help me. I hid my face behind hands that Hyun Joon once held so lovingly. Tae Bin just held me and consoled me, then and there.
“Mama, I won’t ever trouble you again… This time, I shall find my own way home…”
I woke up from another dream of mom, this time having the strength I needed to take on the day’s problems. I watched Hyun Joon’s sleeping figure and walked downstairs to the lounge to check the time. 5 am. I had enough time to pack up my essentials. I went into the study, rummaging through all my files, looking for any more important documents. I remembered most of what happened after Tae Bin broke the news to me; Hyun Joon had been cheating on me for several months prior to our second-year anniversary as a couple. The woman whom I saw him with at a café was apparently an artiste who had known Hyun Joon for a long time already. There were rumors that she was with child - Hyun Joon’s.
After Tae Bin and the guys walked me back to our apartment, I decided to pack my stuff before-hand. I had a feeling that my departure would be soon anyways. I booked a one-way flight to Japan and paid cash in full. I checked all my belongings and double-checked them just before Hyun Joon came back. I picked up my portfolio and left the room. I went up to the rooftop and burnt most of my happy memories into a pile of ashes as I watched from afar. I had no idea how easy it was to fall out of a relationship when it was so hard for me to fall back in love with someone. This separation was hard on me too, but I accepted the harsh realities of life and love. Nature had taken its course between Hyun Joon and me, and now, I have to look for my own happiness, no matter how long it takes. If it were to fall out of my grasp, I will keep on trying. That morning, the breeze awoke my deepest senses and I had never felt so much more alive than I was before as the ashes flew all around me, dancing on the wind.
“Jae Hee..? Are you up already?” Hyun Joon came down the steps, expecting to smell some coffee brewing but he saw no one in the kitchen. “Jae Hee?” He climbed the steps to the roof.
“Jae Hee? What are you doing up here? You’ll catch a cold again and I’ll have to nurse you back to health.” Hyun Joon walked towards me. I pretended not to listen to him as I stood facing the north wind, the morning breeze blowing through my hair. I leaned against the rail; gazing towards the city which surrounded us. Little by little, I saw all my memories of Hyun Joon flying away, just like the ashes.
“Ne, Hyun Joon. We celebrated our second-year anniversary five months ago, right?” I sounded a little distant, even to my own ears. It hid the pain of the betrayal and the separation soon to come.
“Yeah, I still remember that night. We went out with the guys to eat and drink. After that, we left the group and took a walk in a park. Why?” Hyun Joon stood right beside me and leaned against the rail, running his fingers through his hair. “Ah, the morning breeze feels good, doesn’t it? It’s no wonder you’re always up here so early in the morning.” He smiled so sweetly.
“Can we break-up?” I turned to face him, expressionless. His face turned especially pale, shocked. “I want us to get on with our own lives from now on, no more interruptions. Okay?”
“W-why are you talking about breaking up at this time of day? Has the wind gotten to you? Are you cold? Could you be sick?” Hyun Joon reached out his hand to touch my forehead but I took a step backwards. He flinched and drew his hand back, dejected. “I see. How long had you known about it?”
“I found out yesterday when I saw you at a café with another woman. You looked happy,” I said without any remorse, “so much happier than before.”
“I see. So, you walked in on me and her going out on a date, huh? I guess I have to blame my infernal carelessness.” He blamed himself for what happened? He was a man after all. He looked guilty, almost sorrowful. I brushed aside a lock of hair that the wind blew and tugged it behind his ears. I held his face with both my hands and looked into his tear-filled beautiful eyes.
“We can still be best friends. Ones who used to sleep with each other, who told jokes until the other sleeps, who took baths together, who did things with each other that made us feel like no one else in the world is worth giving a damn about.” I pressed my nose against his and felt his tears streaming down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly.
“Can we really do that? Is it possible for the both of us to do that?” He buried his head in the crook of my neck.
“Yes, we can, because we’re very intimate friends. And as a consolation, she’s not pregnant with your child, okay. She’s only making use of her long-term friendship with you. So, don’t go back to her and don’t break any more girls’ hearts.” I held him there as he cried, the grown man that he was.
“Hey, will you ever come back here, after all that happened between us?” Hyun Joon held my hand as I turned to leave, carrying my bags and clutching my air ticket in one hand. A taxi was waiting outside the house.
“I’m not sure at all. I might come back and I might not. I’ll just let everything play out like it should be. So, I’ll be seeing you around, okay?” I kissed Hyun Joon for the last time before I finally got out of the apartment. Getting into the taxi, I felt Hyun Joon’s gaze down upon me. Even as the taxi turned a corner, I still felt it. He was seeing me off with everything he could muster. I smiled to myself. We had some great times together. This one episode will never diminish my feelings for him as a friend. He had been a great friend since the beginning and we both knew it.
‘CALLING ALL PASSENGERS OF FLIGHT KR89-013 TO TOKYO, JAPAN, CALLING ALL PASSENGERS, IT IS NOW BOARDING TIME. REPEAT, IT IS NOW BOARDING TIME FOR ALL PASSENGERS OF FLIGHT KR89-013 TO TOKYO, JAPAN. PLEASE BOARD THE FLIGHT NOW AT GATE 3. HAVE A NICE DAY.’
As I boarded the plane bound for Tokyo, I wondered if I could see oppa again. If it was possible, I hope to see him very soon and tell him everything I had been through since he left Korea. I laughed.
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